13 years ago
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Monday, December 18, 2006
My husband
There are many reasons I love my husband, and why I'm proud of him. Recently he showed me in a big way, what a wonderful guy he is.
I've been in contact with 2 women who have actually been to Jingdezhen SWI and seen Acer and his foster mother. They both describe him as blind. When I told Bill what they were saying and the fact that this might cancel out our hope that he would be a coke bottle glasses kid, he accepted it no problem. When I asked if it made any difference, and if he still wanted to go forward with the adoption, he didn't hesitate at all, he just said, 'Sweetie, you don't function well without your glasses either'
So now we make plans for leader dogs instead of coke bottle glasses. I can't wait to get him to the opthamologist & let him tell me what's really wrong, and if there's any vision at all.
The blessing is that we're in an area where there are a lot of resources for blind people.
I know some people would ask why we're going ahead with the adoption with the change in visual status (unofficially). I guess it's like when you have a Bio child, if they turn out to be blind, you don't stop loving the child, you just deal with the new issue as it comes up.
I've been in contact with 2 women who have actually been to Jingdezhen SWI and seen Acer and his foster mother. They both describe him as blind. When I told Bill what they were saying and the fact that this might cancel out our hope that he would be a coke bottle glasses kid, he accepted it no problem. When I asked if it made any difference, and if he still wanted to go forward with the adoption, he didn't hesitate at all, he just said, 'Sweetie, you don't function well without your glasses either'
So now we make plans for leader dogs instead of coke bottle glasses. I can't wait to get him to the opthamologist & let him tell me what's really wrong, and if there's any vision at all.
The blessing is that we're in an area where there are a lot of resources for blind people.
I know some people would ask why we're going ahead with the adoption with the change in visual status (unofficially). I guess it's like when you have a Bio child, if they turn out to be blind, you don't stop loving the child, you just deal with the new issue as it comes up.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Another 'Co-incidence?'
We believe that God is guiding us through this process, first in actually 'finding' Acer and in being able to request his info. I mean the fact that the number for the little girl we were looking at at first, pulled up the picture of Acer. The fact that despite his obvious cuteness, no one even looked at his folio.
So what is our latest 'Co-incidence?' The fact that for no real reason I decided to joined a Jingdezhen adoption chat group last week. The fact that the group has decided to get an agency to help them sponsor children and the agency just gave them a list of 20 children on the 12th. The fact that one of those children was ACER (and I was able to recognize him despite 6 months growth).
Acer'd already been chosen to be sponsored, but the lady in charge thinks there will be no problem switching.
Wow!
Bill'll be posting the updated picture soon.
note from 1/11/06
The Chinese Gov't doesn't like you to post pictures until after the adoption is finalized so we've removed our older pictures and won't be posting the new ones
So what is our latest 'Co-incidence?' The fact that for no real reason I decided to joined a Jingdezhen adoption chat group last week. The fact that the group has decided to get an agency to help them sponsor children and the agency just gave them a list of 20 children on the 12th. The fact that one of those children was ACER (and I was able to recognize him despite 6 months growth).
Acer'd already been chosen to be sponsored, but the lady in charge thinks there will be no problem switching.
Wow!
Bill'll be posting the updated picture soon.
note from 1/11/06
The Chinese Gov't doesn't like you to post pictures until after the adoption is finalized so we've removed our older pictures and won't be posting the new ones
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Yeah, yippee, wahoo, the bloodwork came in!
We finally got new bloodwork for Acer and all the numbers look good. All rates are well within normal ranges. We'd asked for his bloodwork update way back at the end of August and it finally arrived today. I was worried because his 6 months bloodwork he had low hemoglobin and platelet counts and now we know everything's normal. Extra reassuring that all is well with our little one.
Timing is everything
We've recently heard that the regulations regarding standards for adopting a child from China are going to change May 1, 2007. These changes won't affect us for Acer's adoption because we already have our paperwork in. It won't affect anyone who has their paperwork in before then, but boy will it affect those coming after. China is able to tighten up their standards because there are currently 2 applications for every child, so they can afford to be pickier.
When Bill and I originally talked about children, early in our marriage, we had decided to try to have bio children until I was 40 and then if no luck, we'd adopt. It's really a good thing we didn't wait, I turn 40 on July 5th, 2007. We would have been under the new stricter requirements, and I'm not sure we would make the new financial new worth part.
Another big change coming up in the adoption world will be USA's joining the Hague convention on adoption practices. Some agencies will be unable to complete adoptions if they don't get accredited, some countries will be unacceptable to adopt from and some new countries will open up. That doesn't directly affect us right now, but if we want a second child and can't go back to China, it might.
So, we're really glad we started when we did, and found Acer and we'll just have to wait and see what the future holds for all of us.
When Bill and I originally talked about children, early in our marriage, we had decided to try to have bio children until I was 40 and then if no luck, we'd adopt. It's really a good thing we didn't wait, I turn 40 on July 5th, 2007. We would have been under the new stricter requirements, and I'm not sure we would make the new financial new worth part.
Another big change coming up in the adoption world will be USA's joining the Hague convention on adoption practices. Some agencies will be unable to complete adoptions if they don't get accredited, some countries will be unacceptable to adopt from and some new countries will open up. That doesn't directly affect us right now, but if we want a second child and can't go back to China, it might.
So, we're really glad we started when we did, and found Acer and we'll just have to wait and see what the future holds for all of us.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Are you ready for parenthood by Dear Abby
These are great questions, I wish more thought went into more pregnancies.
ARE YOU READY FOR PARENTHOOD?
(1) Can you support the child financially? Children are expensive. I always urge people to complete their education and delay parenthood until they are self-supporting, in case they should find themselves in the role of sole provider.
(2) Can you support the child emotionally? Babies are cute, but they are also completely helpless and emotionally needy. While some young women say they want a baby so they'll have someone to love them, the reality is it's the parent's responsibility to love and sacrifice for the child. In plain English, this means the end of a normal teenage social life because babies are extremely time-consuming.
(3) Are you prepared to be a consistent parent? Children learn by example -- both good and bad. Are you prepared to be a role model for the behaviors you want your child to mimic? Because mimic they do. They learn more from what they observe than what they're told.
(4) Have you read up on child development? Are your expectations of what a child should be able to accomplish as he or she reaches various chronological milestones realistic? Ditto for your partner, whether or not he or she is the child's biological parent.
(5) Are you prepared to put someone else's needs before your own for the next 18 to 21 years? Remember, babies can't be returned to the manufacturer for a refund if you're not 100 percent satisfied. Sometimes they come with serious challenges. Can you cope with those realities?
ARE YOU READY FOR PARENTHOOD?
(1) Can you support the child financially? Children are expensive. I always urge people to complete their education and delay parenthood until they are self-supporting, in case they should find themselves in the role of sole provider.
(2) Can you support the child emotionally? Babies are cute, but they are also completely helpless and emotionally needy. While some young women say they want a baby so they'll have someone to love them, the reality is it's the parent's responsibility to love and sacrifice for the child. In plain English, this means the end of a normal teenage social life because babies are extremely time-consuming.
(3) Are you prepared to be a consistent parent? Children learn by example -- both good and bad. Are you prepared to be a role model for the behaviors you want your child to mimic? Because mimic they do. They learn more from what they observe than what they're told.
(4) Have you read up on child development? Are your expectations of what a child should be able to accomplish as he or she reaches various chronological milestones realistic? Ditto for your partner, whether or not he or she is the child's biological parent.
(5) Are you prepared to put someone else's needs before your own for the next 18 to 21 years? Remember, babies can't be returned to the manufacturer for a refund if you're not 100 percent satisfied. Sometimes they come with serious challenges. Can you cope with those realities?
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
An excellent letter about what to expect from an adopted child
Below is a letter from Amy Eldridge, from Love Without Boundaries, addressing the recent adoption disruptions and parental preparedness. If you are reading this, think about posting it on your site - a waiting parent who reads your blog may benefit from it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
I have been so saddened by this situation. I most definitely wish there was a way to educate ALL adoptive parents about the truths of institutional care, however I have come to realize in my daily work that there are just as many parents who are not online reading everything they can find on adoption and there are hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of parents out there who have no idea what life is like for a child in an orphanage, and who head overseas to pick up their "China doll" only to be handed a baby who is unresponsive, thin, unable to eat... and on and on and on.
While adopting my son last month, I walked several times over to the White Swan to talk to parents, and over and over I spoke with moms and dads who had no clue whatsoever about the issues their kids were having. I heard so many times things like, "she won't eat solid foods" (oral aversion), "she has no muscle tone" (muscle atrophy from lying in a crib all day), "she won't smile" (pure grieving from being taken from her foster mom). I guess since I live China 24/7, I assume everyone adopting does, too, which is not the case.
I talked to at least a dozen parents who didn't even know their child's orphanage name, and while I gently said "you might want to memorize that for your child's sake", at the same time I was trying to process how many parents get all the way to China without ever reading about post-institutional issues. It was sobering to me.
Babies in the NSN (non special needs) as well as the SN (special needs) path can have issues with attachment, motor skills, emotional issues and more. I think all of us on the WCC (Waiting Children China) list acknowledge that, while also acknowledging that all children (whether bio or not) can have these same issues. Living in an orphanage of course increases the odds.
I think the easy out is to say that agencies have to do more, as well as social workers, but I do think that most of them do try to give information to the parents but often parents don't want to hear it or else think it won't happen to them. Again, I am often surprised to talk to parents leaving soon and to realize they are not prepared. One family was adopting from our foster care program, and when I told them that the child was DEEPLY attached to the mom, the father said, "guess she might cry for an hour or so then?" An hour or so? She had been in foster care for over a year! I tried to explain that this little girl was about
ready to lose everything she had ever known, and that they should not expect her to be sunny, happy, and full of personality after an hour. I told them to please remember the 72 hour rule.......that after 72 hours they would probably see her spark, but that she would probably grieve for a long time after that as well.
I think for many adoptive parents, they just don't want to read the "bad stuff", and so I do think that ultimately it is the parents who are at fault for not doing more to educate themselves. There certainly are books galore out there about post-institutional issues. I equate this to when I was pregnant with my kids and I would read "What to Expect When Expecting", and I would get to the C-section part and always skip it. Each and every time I would jump to the next chapter as "that wasn't
going to happen to me". Well, on my fifth baby, when they were rushing me in for an emergency C section, I sure was wishing I had read that section earlier! But at that point in the OR, while they were strapping my hands down to the table, it was too late, and so I felt complete panic when I could have been prepared. I think adoption from China is very similar to giving birth...it is much more rosy to only read the happy stories on APC, but I now encourage every family I meet to read the harder ones as well, because if you are the family who is handed a child that is limp and listless and who looks autistic, what you
have learned in the past will help you make the right decision for your family during those very emotional first few days.
I have been called many times in the last few years by parents in China worried about their children. I agree that having a support network to help you through the initial time is essential. Everyone should go to China with at least one phone number of someone they can call if they are panicked upon meeting their new child. I remember feeling so alone when I was handed my daughter and she was so tiny and limp. Because our foundation often helps with the kids who have been disrupted, I am aware that sometimes there are children who have much more serious issues than originally reported... and that is such a hard thing for a parent to get to China and then discover their child is truly autistic or has serious mental delays.
I think everyone on both the China and international side would agree that it is absolutely wrong of an orphanage to not be honest in their reports, and no one would excuse that, but I also know without a doubt that the majority of kids who are disrupted are just suffering from institutional issues and would catch up quickly in a loving home. It is always a very sad day for the orphanage and everyone involved when a child that they know is absolutely fine, but perhaps thin and grieving, is returned by their new parents for being "delayed".
I think far too many people believe their child's life is going to begin the moment they meet them. The truth is, and everyone must realize it...
a child's life is going on RIGHT NOW in China, and all of their experiences are shaping who they are.
The vast majority of aunties that I have met in China are such kind and caring people, but it absolutely is not the same as having a mom and dad at your beck and call. I have had new parents call and say "we didn't think living in an orphanage
would affect her at all", and those statements truly puzzle me. How could they not contemplate life in an orphanage?
Walk through Babies R Us and you will see every gadget known to man to make our children's lives here as ideal as possible. Now Americans have two way video monitors, so that when baby awakens not only can mommy see when to immediately rush in and comfort him, but she can talk to baby so that he doesn't even have one single second where he feels alone. How
many new parents would have a newborn and then put that baby in a crib 22 hours a day on their own? How many would only feed their baby, even if they were really crying hard, every 8 hours? Or prop the bottle in her crib and then not watch to see if she ever really ate?
Of course no one would do that...we feed newborns on demand, comfort on demand, love continuously. .. and whether people want to recognize it or not, that is NOT the life of an orphan in an institution. ...even when the aunties are as good as gold. I remember one night when I took some volunteers in for the night shift in an orphanage, when normally just a few aunties are working. One mom looked at me with tears in her eyes as she slowly realized that it was absolutely impossible with just two hands to feed every child, to comfort every child, to soothe every baby who was crying. She said her heart was aching to realize that her own daughter most likely had many, many times where she cried without someone to comfort her.....and she told me that for the first time she finally understood why her daughter had such a deep seated fear of
being out of her mom's sight.
The aunties are trying their absolute best, but that doesn't equal mother/child care. I remember being in an orphanage in the north this past winter and the aunties were so proud of how they had 6-8 layers of clothes and blankets on every baby to keep them warm. They were swaddled so tight that they couldn't move, but it was freezing in the orphanage and so the aunties wanted the babies to stay as warm as possible. What alternative did they have? It really was freezing there..I was cold
in my wool coat, so the babies couldn't be up and about with just 1-2 layers on, with the ability to move their arms and legs. To stay warm they had to be immobile, and so of course all of those kids have weak muscle tone. But the aunties were truly trying their best, and when a parent is given one of those beautiful children on adoption day, I am sure they will go back to their room with concern and say "she can't sit up by herself..she can't put weight on her legs". That is absolutely the truth, but she also survived 10 degree weather in a very cold province and she will catch up soon enough with parents to encourage her.
To not acknowledge that living in orphanage circumstances can cause lower body weights, low muscle tone, inability to make good eye contact is very sad to me. Can it be overcome? Most definitely! The one thing I have learned over and over again about the kids in China is that they are fighters and survivors. But for some reason, people seem to want to ignore these issues in public forums.
Recently, one of our medical babies that we had met several times in person was adopted, and we all knew that this child was
a "spitfire". When the family arrived and spent a few days with her, they decided she was too much of a handful for them and they wanted to disrupt. She absolutely was not what they expected. When they called their agency, they were told they had two choices: adopt the child, bring her to the US, and change their expectations of what they were hoping for, or adopt the child, bring her to the US and the agency would have a family waiting at the airport to adopt her locally. Option three of leaving the child in China was never once given. I admire that agency so much, as they were thinking of the child and the child alone. The family followed through with the adoption and handed the little girl to a new family upon her arrival in the US. As horrible and tragic and emotional as it was for everyone involved...I still feel this was the right decision for the agency to make. It was done in the absolute best interest of the child, who had waited a long, long time for a family.
I wish more agencies would advocate for the rights of the child, instead of always seeming to give in to the parents, especially in those cases when they know with absolute certainty that nothing is permanently wrong with the
child. Recently with another disruption, the agency I spoke with told me that it was "easier" to just get the family a new baby.
Sometimes easier does not equal right. The first baby who was rejected has now been labeled "mentally challenged" even though the agency knew the child was really going to be okay.
I think all of us, who do realize that delays occur and that babies can usually overcome them, should be these children's advocates by continually trying to educate new parents on what to expect in China. By helping them be better prepared, we just might help stop a disruption in the future. I love Chinese adoption with my whole heart, and it is my life's work... but I also want every family who goes to get their baby to go with their eyes open and to be as emotionally prepared as possible, for the child's sake.
Amy Eldridge, Love Without Boundaries
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
I have been so saddened by this situation. I most definitely wish there was a way to educate ALL adoptive parents about the truths of institutional care, however I have come to realize in my daily work that there are just as many parents who are not online reading everything they can find on adoption and there are hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of parents out there who have no idea what life is like for a child in an orphanage, and who head overseas to pick up their "China doll" only to be handed a baby who is unresponsive, thin, unable to eat... and on and on and on.
While adopting my son last month, I walked several times over to the White Swan to talk to parents, and over and over I spoke with moms and dads who had no clue whatsoever about the issues their kids were having. I heard so many times things like, "she won't eat solid foods" (oral aversion), "she has no muscle tone" (muscle atrophy from lying in a crib all day), "she won't smile" (pure grieving from being taken from her foster mom). I guess since I live China 24/7, I assume everyone adopting does, too, which is not the case.
I talked to at least a dozen parents who didn't even know their child's orphanage name, and while I gently said "you might want to memorize that for your child's sake", at the same time I was trying to process how many parents get all the way to China without ever reading about post-institutional issues. It was sobering to me.
Babies in the NSN (non special needs) as well as the SN (special needs) path can have issues with attachment, motor skills, emotional issues and more. I think all of us on the WCC (Waiting Children China) list acknowledge that, while also acknowledging that all children (whether bio or not) can have these same issues. Living in an orphanage of course increases the odds.
I think the easy out is to say that agencies have to do more, as well as social workers, but I do think that most of them do try to give information to the parents but often parents don't want to hear it or else think it won't happen to them. Again, I am often surprised to talk to parents leaving soon and to realize they are not prepared. One family was adopting from our foster care program, and when I told them that the child was DEEPLY attached to the mom, the father said, "guess she might cry for an hour or so then?" An hour or so? She had been in foster care for over a year! I tried to explain that this little girl was about
ready to lose everything she had ever known, and that they should not expect her to be sunny, happy, and full of personality after an hour. I told them to please remember the 72 hour rule.......that after 72 hours they would probably see her spark, but that she would probably grieve for a long time after that as well.
I think for many adoptive parents, they just don't want to read the "bad stuff", and so I do think that ultimately it is the parents who are at fault for not doing more to educate themselves. There certainly are books galore out there about post-institutional issues. I equate this to when I was pregnant with my kids and I would read "What to Expect When Expecting", and I would get to the C-section part and always skip it. Each and every time I would jump to the next chapter as "that wasn't
going to happen to me". Well, on my fifth baby, when they were rushing me in for an emergency C section, I sure was wishing I had read that section earlier! But at that point in the OR, while they were strapping my hands down to the table, it was too late, and so I felt complete panic when I could have been prepared. I think adoption from China is very similar to giving birth...it is much more rosy to only read the happy stories on APC, but I now encourage every family I meet to read the harder ones as well, because if you are the family who is handed a child that is limp and listless and who looks autistic, what you
have learned in the past will help you make the right decision for your family during those very emotional first few days.
I have been called many times in the last few years by parents in China worried about their children. I agree that having a support network to help you through the initial time is essential. Everyone should go to China with at least one phone number of someone they can call if they are panicked upon meeting their new child. I remember feeling so alone when I was handed my daughter and she was so tiny and limp. Because our foundation often helps with the kids who have been disrupted, I am aware that sometimes there are children who have much more serious issues than originally reported... and that is such a hard thing for a parent to get to China and then discover their child is truly autistic or has serious mental delays.
I think everyone on both the China and international side would agree that it is absolutely wrong of an orphanage to not be honest in their reports, and no one would excuse that, but I also know without a doubt that the majority of kids who are disrupted are just suffering from institutional issues and would catch up quickly in a loving home. It is always a very sad day for the orphanage and everyone involved when a child that they know is absolutely fine, but perhaps thin and grieving, is returned by their new parents for being "delayed".
I think far too many people believe their child's life is going to begin the moment they meet them. The truth is, and everyone must realize it...
a child's life is going on RIGHT NOW in China, and all of their experiences are shaping who they are.
The vast majority of aunties that I have met in China are such kind and caring people, but it absolutely is not the same as having a mom and dad at your beck and call. I have had new parents call and say "we didn't think living in an orphanage
would affect her at all", and those statements truly puzzle me. How could they not contemplate life in an orphanage?
Walk through Babies R Us and you will see every gadget known to man to make our children's lives here as ideal as possible. Now Americans have two way video monitors, so that when baby awakens not only can mommy see when to immediately rush in and comfort him, but she can talk to baby so that he doesn't even have one single second where he feels alone. How
many new parents would have a newborn and then put that baby in a crib 22 hours a day on their own? How many would only feed their baby, even if they were really crying hard, every 8 hours? Or prop the bottle in her crib and then not watch to see if she ever really ate?
Of course no one would do that...we feed newborns on demand, comfort on demand, love continuously. .. and whether people want to recognize it or not, that is NOT the life of an orphan in an institution. ...even when the aunties are as good as gold. I remember one night when I took some volunteers in for the night shift in an orphanage, when normally just a few aunties are working. One mom looked at me with tears in her eyes as she slowly realized that it was absolutely impossible with just two hands to feed every child, to comfort every child, to soothe every baby who was crying. She said her heart was aching to realize that her own daughter most likely had many, many times where she cried without someone to comfort her.....and she told me that for the first time she finally understood why her daughter had such a deep seated fear of
being out of her mom's sight.
The aunties are trying their absolute best, but that doesn't equal mother/child care. I remember being in an orphanage in the north this past winter and the aunties were so proud of how they had 6-8 layers of clothes and blankets on every baby to keep them warm. They were swaddled so tight that they couldn't move, but it was freezing in the orphanage and so the aunties wanted the babies to stay as warm as possible. What alternative did they have? It really was freezing there..I was cold
in my wool coat, so the babies couldn't be up and about with just 1-2 layers on, with the ability to move their arms and legs. To stay warm they had to be immobile, and so of course all of those kids have weak muscle tone. But the aunties were truly trying their best, and when a parent is given one of those beautiful children on adoption day, I am sure they will go back to their room with concern and say "she can't sit up by herself..she can't put weight on her legs". That is absolutely the truth, but she also survived 10 degree weather in a very cold province and she will catch up soon enough with parents to encourage her.
To not acknowledge that living in orphanage circumstances can cause lower body weights, low muscle tone, inability to make good eye contact is very sad to me. Can it be overcome? Most definitely! The one thing I have learned over and over again about the kids in China is that they are fighters and survivors. But for some reason, people seem to want to ignore these issues in public forums.
Recently, one of our medical babies that we had met several times in person was adopted, and we all knew that this child was
a "spitfire". When the family arrived and spent a few days with her, they decided she was too much of a handful for them and they wanted to disrupt. She absolutely was not what they expected. When they called their agency, they were told they had two choices: adopt the child, bring her to the US, and change their expectations of what they were hoping for, or adopt the child, bring her to the US and the agency would have a family waiting at the airport to adopt her locally. Option three of leaving the child in China was never once given. I admire that agency so much, as they were thinking of the child and the child alone. The family followed through with the adoption and handed the little girl to a new family upon her arrival in the US. As horrible and tragic and emotional as it was for everyone involved...I still feel this was the right decision for the agency to make. It was done in the absolute best interest of the child, who had waited a long, long time for a family.
I wish more agencies would advocate for the rights of the child, instead of always seeming to give in to the parents, especially in those cases when they know with absolute certainty that nothing is permanently wrong with the
child. Recently with another disruption, the agency I spoke with told me that it was "easier" to just get the family a new baby.
Sometimes easier does not equal right. The first baby who was rejected has now been labeled "mentally challenged" even though the agency knew the child was really going to be okay.
I think all of us, who do realize that delays occur and that babies can usually overcome them, should be these children's advocates by continually trying to educate new parents on what to expect in China. By helping them be better prepared, we just might help stop a disruption in the future. I love Chinese adoption with my whole heart, and it is my life's work... but I also want every family who goes to get their baby to go with their eyes open and to be as emotionally prepared as possible, for the child's sake.
Amy Eldridge, Love Without Boundaries
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