Inconclusive Eye Test

Thursday Acer had his first in depth eye test, and while there was good news for the front of the eye, there just wasn't enough information about the back of the eye. The Dr will do another procedure to see how organized the back of the eye is and whether or not it will actually be able to process any information if receives. If the back of Acer's (right) eye is not developed enough, the rods and cones are not able to funnel the infformation to the brain in a manner that makes sense. If that is the case, we won't have the cataract removed because it would really only be for cosmetic reasons at that point and it might make the tiny sliver of sight he does have worse. The next test will be in a few weeks and will involve hooking electrodes to his head and flashing lights at his eyes. This will give us more information and may or may not send us on to a third test.

Sigh, I guess my hopes for quick resolution were just futile. I won't say I don't care what the results are, because for Acer's sake I really hope he can get more vision but my love for him is definitely not based on his being able to see. I would just really like to know what is going on and what the condition of his eyes is. I think that if I know I can watch for future developments and maybe 10 years down the road something new will come around that would work for him. Or maybe not.
H

Looking for Joy

I've decided that I'm not enjoying Acer and all his good features enough. I want to teach & improve and help him become a well behaved, well educated child so much that I've been missing out on the Joy portion of being a parent. I can still do those other things, but I need to take the time to appreciate that great smile and goofy sense of humor more. Who cares if I have to sit on the toidy for an extra 5 minutes becuase he wants to jump into my arms from the step stool, be set down and jump again & again. I need to realize the happy face in front of me is more important than getting up and dealing immediately with laundry. The important part is that he actually wants to jump into my arms. Prayers that I don't slip back into stern, dour Mom & truly feel the Joy of "Mama, Jump!"

More Help for the house (and me)

just visited this site, seems pretty cool (and helpful)
www.flylady.com
I like sites like this where they can help you without demanding that you get yourself, or your house perfect first.

Cleaning help you never knew you needed

For those of us who are un organized in our cleaning, who aren't sure how frequently one should clean out the fridge, there's hope. For those of us who don't like to clean, there's hope. For those of us who're so busy we don't know where to start, there's hope. For those of us who work, in or out of the home, there's hope. My sister-in-law told me about this website
http://motivatedmoms.com/
There you can purchase a home cleaning planner for only $8 for the whole year. It's lovely, broken down into small daily items instead of big chores. For example, yesterday, instead of cleaning the whole fridge, I cleaned the middle shelf; instead of cleaning the whole bathroom, I cleaned the toilets. Over time, the whole bathroom is cleaned, mirrors are today, and I didn't spend a whole heck of alot of time in there on any particular day, The list also has entries like, pamper yourself, and work on a craft.
Some people try to clean their house before they start this, but really, you don't need to, your house will morph into clean as you work this. My husband and I share chores, so when there's something on the list that he does, he does it, if it's something I do, I do it. for example, yesterday vacuuming was on the list, so Bill pulled out the vacuum and went at it. Yeah us! clean toidies & floors in one day!

The not so Rosy part - by the Rumor Queen

Sometimes I think that people who are emotionally supporting us may actually have higher expectations about how instantly we'll become a family to our little guy than we do. He has a family right now, a foster family he's lived with since he was found over 2 years ago. We love him, and he will be our family, but it will take some mourning on his part before we're accepted as his family.
H


The not-so-rosy part
There are still no rumors, so I’d like to take this opportunity to talk a little about expectations.

I’ve read blogs of people who are home and who are miserable.

I’ve read about recent disruptions.

And I’ve read posts from people on various groups and blogs that talk about their new child as if they really think the child hates them, and some of them sound like they are starting to hate their child.

So I feel I need to talk a little bit about what happens when you finally get this screaming little baby placed in your arms.

This is not a newborn. It’s a child who already has a personality, one that you get to try to figure out. It’s a child who has been ripped from all she knows: the people who have cared for her and kept her alive, and the language she has been able to understand even if she couldn’t speak it. The food she is used to. The other kids. Her schedule. Her crib. Her cribmate.

It’s all gone, and she’s with these people she’s never seen before and she can’t understand what is being said and the food is different. Scared and grieving does not even begin to describe things. Some babies just completely shut down and appear to be autistic, but after three or four days they start coming around and you begin to see the real child. It can take weeks (or months) for the grieving to stop, but after several days you should begin to see little pieces of their personality. Some children have different survival mechanisms and you’ll immediately see a little bubbly personality, this does not mean there is no grief, it could just mean that their survival instincts are telling them to be cute and lovable.

We all know this transition to a family is for the best in the long run, but all the child knows is how they feel right now, and they are scared and mad and grieving. Some move through it faster than others. Some seem to move through it in China and then backtrack once they are home. Some show their bubbly personality in China and then show the grief in America (or whatever country they are going to).

When you are in China they still hear Chinese in the restaurants and out on the street. And they still get some Chinese food. And the unique smells of China are still there.

But once you are home everything familiar to them is gone. By then you’ve probably switched them to American formula, they likely aren’t getting congee every morning now that it’s not on a buffet anymore, you probably can’t make steamed eggs exactly like they were in China. The smells are different, and no one is speaking Chinese anymore.

They might be able to keep their minds off of that during the day, when they are active and there is much to keep them occupied. But when their mind starts quieting down to go to sleep it all comes back, and there is still grief. So some babies just don’t go to sleep. Combine this with jet lag and it’s really not fun.

There will also be control issues that come up. Even with a 9 or 10 month old baby, they will try to gain control of something, anything, so they don’t feel so out of control. Maybe you can let them have it in some instances, but in others you’ll need to make sure you remain in control. Follow your instincts on this one - they need boundaries in order to feel safe, but letting them have some little piece of control may also help them. How do you know when it’s best to give in and when it’s best to be the parent? You just fly by the seat of your pants and hope you get it right.

My point here is that you have been waiting for this child for a really long time. But she knows nothing about you. She is scared and will act in ways you cannot currently imagine that a little 15 or 20 pound baby could possibly act.

I can remember getting so upset with my big girl when she was a toddler and into everything. I’d just pick her up and take her outside and put her in her swing and push her in it for a really long time. Before long we were both laughing and having fun. It worked for us.

Sometimes, when she was into everything, I’d load her up and take her to the park with a few toys and put a blanket down on the ground and then let her play that way. She only had the handful of toys I brought, and all I had to do was make sure she didn’t put rocks or bugs or anything in her mouth (because of her sensory issues she wouldn’t touch such things with her hands, but she had no problems picking them up in her mouth). She never wanted to wander far from me when we were in public, so this worked out well since I didn’t have to worry about her running off.

So many times I just realized we were into a pattern of her doing something and me correcting her, and I just needed to do something to break the pattern.

I also put her in her highchair with fingerfoods and rolled the highchair into the bathroom and took a shower. We put a clear shower curtain up so she could see me and so I could keep an eye on her.

My big girl was terrified of being alone. Even today, unless she is asleep she is rarely in a room by herself. But when we were first home with her, before I went back to work, this meant she and I were together 24 hours a day, every single day (she slept in our room, too, back then). Once my husband was home she expected us to all stay in the same room together, and for those first months, she ran the show when it came to things like that.

I see people who are talking about how happy their child is going to be to finally get a family. And that just isn’t the way it works. I see a lot of people setting themselves up for problems by having expectations that just aren’t very likely to happen.

Please, take this time to read about attachment. Not just attachment issues, but attachment in general - how attachment happens, red flags that attachment may not be happening, and ideas for how to foster attachment.

Also read about sensory issues and other things that may pop up in post-institutionalized babies and children. Please understand that if you have the “What to expect the first year” book that your 10 month old baby may not be doing what your book says a four month old baby should be doing. This is completely normal, and most children catch up at an amazing speed. The rule of thumb I’ve always heard is that babies develop one month for every three months they are institutionalized - so a nine month old baby will have the developmental skills of a three month old, an 18 month old baby may only have the developmental skills of a 6 month old. If they are in foster care or a HTS orphanage then they will likely be farther along.

Understand that your child may have been strapped into a potty chair for hours a day, and laid in the crib for most of the rest of the day. Of course they are not going to have the developmental skills appropriate for their age.

Understand that your baby may have been gravity fed and may have never learned how to suck. She may not be capable of drinking from a normal bottle. You may spend months just getting her to the point that she can suck from a bottle - and those sucking muscles are important before she can learn to talk, it’s all related.

And please understand that this is why Half the Sky is my favorite charity. If your child is from a Half the Sky orphanage then the odds are that they will be very close to being on target developmentally, and that they will not have sensory issues. There are still a lot of other things that can pop up, but these two things should be on target.

I’m not saying the first couple of months are going to be all bad. There will be wonderful moments, too. But I am hoping to get the point across that you need to be prepared for some difficult times. No matter how frustrated you are, at least you know what is going on. It’s your job to comfort this child when she is scared and grieving and screaming her little head off from 11:00 at night until 4:00 in the morning almost non stop. It’s your job to make her (or him) feel safe and loved. And that is not always an easy thing to do

Are you ready for parenthood by Dear Abby

These are great questions, I wish more thought went into more pregnancies.



ARE YOU READY FOR PARENTHOOD?

(1) Can you support the child financially? Children are expensive. I always urge people to complete their education and delay parenthood until they are self-supporting, in case they should find themselves in the role of sole provider.

(2) Can you support the child emotionally? Babies are cute, but they are also completely helpless and emotionally needy. While some young women say they want a baby so they'll have someone to love them, the reality is it's the parent's responsibility to love and sacrifice for the child. In plain English, this means the end of a normal teenage social life because babies are extremely time-consuming.

(3) Are you prepared to be a consistent parent? Children learn by example -- both good and bad. Are you prepared to be a role model for the behaviors you want your child to mimic? Because mimic they do. They learn more from what they observe than what they're told.

(4) Have you read up on child development? Are your expectations of what a child should be able to accomplish as he or she reaches various chronological milestones realistic? Ditto for your partner, whether or not he or she is the child's biological parent.

(5) Are you prepared to put someone else's needs before your own for the next 18 to 21 years? Remember, babies can't be returned to the manufacturer for a refund if you're not 100 percent satisfied. Sometimes they come with serious challenges. Can you cope with those realities?

Link to visit, very powerful

I just visited this link and read the article. Wow, very well written and it brings up things you just don't think of and explains them to you in a way you can understand.

It's called perspective
http://www.emkpress.com/perspective.html

Adoption and Bonding letter (written by someone else)

Wow, does this say a lot. I've adapted it to refer to a boy for obvious reasons, (used with permission).

Dear Family and Friends,

As we get ready to embark on the most exciting event in our lives, we are thinking a lot about the people around us and how much our lives are going to change. Family has always been important to us. We are so fortunate to have such loving, involved family and friends. We appreciate the support and excitement that you have all shown to us as we have made this journey. We're thrilled about bringing our new child home! We've done a lot of reading, research and asked a lot of other adoptive parents about this process and we feel prepared to help our baby become a well-adapted member of our family.
There are some things about adoptive parenting that are the same as parenting a biological child. There are also quite a few areas that we have learned are different. Through our adoption agency, books, other adoptive parents, adoption social workers, psychologists and more, we have learned that our baby needs a specific type of environment and parenting when he first comes home in order to feel safe and secure and to learn how to live successfully in our family.
While we know that every child is different, we also understand that there are many possible things that will impact our child's beliefs and behavior when he gets home. These include how much nurturing our child received, if there was abuse or neglect, the amount and quality of food received, illnesses, the quality of care and our child's unique temperament and personality. The result of these things can include behavioral issues, emotional disorders and a sense of grief and loss from being separated from the only home and caregivers our little one has ever known.
Adoption is a traumatic and scary event for any age child whether they are newborn or 10 years old. They're being removed from all of their routines and familiar surroundings. Even babies will feel grief and sadness at an event like this. In order to help our child feel safe and learn that we are his parents, we are creating the type of environment that will help promote security during this stressful time.
When our child gets home, at the recommendation of experienced adoption professionals, we need to implement specific parenting approaches to help encourage a strong, attached, emotionally healthy family member. Our child needs to learn that we're the parents. He needs to feel nurtured and safe.
Here are some things we will be doing for our child based on research and experience with other adopted children. We'll be living a very quiet life with limited trips out and few visitors in for a little while. Social workers and psychologists tell us that when children are first adopted, they may be overwhelmed, scared, and nervous. By keeping our lives very boring at first, we'll be helping our child feel safe. This does NOT mean that we do not want visitors coming to see our little one for the first time. We will just have to limit it a little so it is not overwhelming.
We know you'll all want to hug, kiss and help spoil our new toddler, but it is recommended that we be the only ones to do that at first to improve his chances of attaching strongly to us. Until we feel our child has attached and clearly knows we are his parents, we will need to feed, change and take care of him. I know that missing out on some diaper changes will disappoint many of you. Have no fear, there will be many more once he becomes comfortable at home.
As strange as it may seem, adopted children who act very outgoing and affectionate with strangers is not a healthy thing. It is called "indiscriminate affection" and can mean that they haven't really attached to anyone. It would not be a good sign that our child has attached to us if during his first months home he will let just anyone take him and hold him without searching for his mom or dad.
For sure it is going to be a weird and wonderful experience for us. We are so excited and can't wait to bring our toddler home so you can all see him and get to know him. Things are just a little different when you are adopting a child rather than having a biological child. He will be adapting to a lot of new things . . . new parents, new family, new home, new foods, new time zone (totally opposite what he's used to). That's a lot to swallow at one time.
We appreciate your understanding in reading this. We've giving you all this letter so that you will understand how dedicated and committed we are to helping our new child adjust and adapt during this stressful time in his life. We feel confident that everything will smooth out quickly and we will be on a more normal schedule.

Sincerely,


Heather and Bill

Ramblings on being a parent Part 3

The main issue I see and have seen through 20 years of retail experience, is that parents don't pay enough careful attention to their children. Parents of children with behavior problems AKA Brats seem to pay more attention to things, how the child is dressed, what the child wants to buy, and less to the important things in life, like is the children running like a maniac through a dangerous area. Parents like those seem to think that the store staff are baby sitters, there for their own convenience.
All of life should be a learning experience. The children should be kept nearby and allowed to ask questions of the sales staff to help learn, not allowed to run lose and break things or body parts.
I can't think that this behavior only happens at stores, I have to believe that behavior like this happens at restaurants. Except the running would be on furniture and through the restaurant, where people seem to think running is both okay and safe, a place it is definitely neither.

Ramblings on being a parent Part 2

Parenting is tough, and I certainly don't think I'll be the perfect parent. I don't think anybody can be the perfect parent. All you can do is to be consistent and love them and hope that whatever parenting plan you personally came up with doesn't screw things up too badly.
I don't believe that grown children should blame their parents for all the problems they have. Let's face it, if you have a problem and you can figure out why you have the problem, then after you figure that out it is your choice whether or not you continue that behavior. If you continue to do the problematic behavior, you have chosen to do so of your own volition, not because your parents made you that way. The problem is now yours.
If you're a parent of a young child with behavior problems and you have figure out what behavior patterns you have that feed into the mis-behavior, you now have a choice. You can continue to feed into the problem or you can adjust your responses to get appropriate small child behavior.

Ramblings on being a parent Part 1

Oddly enough, people always want to reassure you that you'll be a good parent. I worry about being a good parent. I figure it's the people who assume they're going to be good parents or don't even think about the fact that they should be good parents who aren't.
Things I think parents should realize
1) They're parents, not friends. Children need parents far more than they need friends. Parents aren't there to win popularity contests, they are there to do what's best for the child. That said, there's nothing stopping someone from having fun and playing with their kids.
2) Kids learn all the time, mostly through what you say and do. Talking to and listening to children is very important. A huge percentage of a person's adult daily vocabulary has been heard by the time a child turns 3. Don't skimp on those syllables and don't skimp on the listening. Don't just let them play, but listen to what they tell you about the play. I've noticed with parents, the better you listen to your children, the better they listen to you.
3) Discipline is good, if children don't get an appropriate amount of discipline at home, they go looking for it. Ever notice the dynamics of a gang, there are very rigid social patterns for discipline and respect that must be followed or there are repercussions. Most of the kids in gangs weren't getting appropriate discipline at home, so they found it on their own.