Friday, April 16, 2010

We weren't there, we don't know.

A lot of press has been spent on the actions of one ill thought out plan about how to deal with a disturbed child. People wonder, as we've adopted internationally, what is my take. So, here it is. The lady and her family's actions were wrong. She was over her head, but didn't contact her agency, and didn't contact the authorities in her state for help.

It is not unheard of for children with problems like this to exist, but they are as rare in the adoption world as in the bio child world. Why the woman didn't follow the normal route of help in situations like this, I don't know, I wasn't there.

Did the woman do her prep work, check out all the classes on adoption parenting that are available, pour over attachment websites like I did? I would think so, there is a lot of time, money and effort that goes in to any international adoption, I would think that she did all those things that the agencies and governments require. I don't know though, I wasn't there.

Did the Russian agency hide existing conditions? they might have, it's been done before, I'm sure it will be done again. Sometimes it's done with the best of intentions, to get children homes, sometimes it's done for the orphanage donation. I don't know, I wasn't there.

I do know that adoption is an extremely personal decision, almost more so than the decision to conceive. Conception, after all, doesn't require loads of paperwork, classes, proven financial stability, good health, and a myriad of other items that add up to fulfilling the regulations of a government, including a State Gov't for domestic adoptions. I know that, I've been there.

I do know that the wise go into adoptions, of any age, hoping for the best and expecting the worst. Happily, we've been blessed by our two, but we were prepared for issues. We are prepared for issues because they can still come up, especially as the kids start to learn more about life. We have a plan for that though, we know where to go if we need help, we know we aren't experts and can't handle everything on our own. Know that, and have a map made to get us through the worst conditions.

But, Isn't that what all parents should have? We aren't promised healthy, intelligent children even if we are healthy and intelligent and give birth to them ourselves. When we give birth, does that somehow make any issues that come with the chid easier to handle than if we adopted a child with issues? Almost, the reverse, if the issues are known. we chose to adopt children who are blind, we knew that going in. We didn't have to deal with the issues of if I would've done this, would the child have been born okay?

So you as you read this, if you're a parent, what's your roadmap for the future look like, does it have paths to all the places you'd need in worst case scenarios? Are you ready for your world to crash down if your child becomes mentally or physically unstable, and it's more than you can bear. Have you ever thought about how far you would go to protect your child's future? For example, would it be better to sign them up immediately for a group home for long term care with many visits from you, or would it be better to be totally dependent on you until one of you dies? I've played through these scenarios in my mind, and I know what sort of actions I'd take to protect my child's quality of life.

Maybe, this mom never thought of those sorts of problems, ones that would shatter her life and the boy's. I don't know, I wasn't there, but I know that she should have, every parent should have, no matter where their child was born, and to whom.


Rebekah Hubley said...

Agree, Agree...

ang :o) said...

very well written!

Catching Butterflies 3 said...

well said" I think what she did was a crime. You can disrupt an adoption, but you do not stick a little boy on an airplane alone...what was she thinking?

LeahGG said...

you're right - my parents took in two children when I was 8 (they were 7 and 6), and they turned out to be very disturbed. My parents realized that the danger to me was too great, and the change in lifestyle was more than they were willing to handle.

After they had been in the house about 8 days, my parents contacted the local agencies (the adoption was local, not international), and sought out a different family for them. They did not drop them off at a hospital or put them on a bus alone. They waited until legal, safe alternate arrangements were made.